When I decided I was going to be different, better, and about a dozen other adjectives. There was one main thing I hit every time.
I had no idea who I would be as different, worse I had no idea what to do with different. How would I act, what would I do, what would others think if I got it wrong 🫤 😩
The things I feared most, was the same thing that had me how I was. Nothing other than my imagination. I once said “I am scared of the unknown” — then I realised if it is unknown, how can I be scared of it. What I was scared of more than being how I was, was letting go of control. I believed control kept me safe. I believed it kept me free from other people’s stuff.
In some ways it did.
In more ways it kept me stuck. Oh I controlled my emotions, interactions, going, doing, and often reactions. It was not freedom. I piled on top of pile on top of pile of the same story of how ‘unsafe/unwanted/unwelcome/useless/hopeless/pathetic…………….’ well you get it. Each time affirming all the horrible stories I told me about me.
My control levels were so bad, that when I went to change — thought different, wanted different, let someone lead, the room around me would spin, or the area around me would start to spin. So one day I sat on the floor, said out loud “Do your darndest because I cannot fall off the floor”. And I pushed through. From that day on the spinning got rapidly less. The doubts faded.
Not because I had no fear. I realised fear did not hurt, it was a thought and a feeling.
24 years later, here I am. It was a process. It started with a made up mind.
What is your greatest fear?
